Sacrificing Yourself on the Altar of Your Relationship

Relationships are all about compromise. When you're single, you make decisions based on your own comfort, convenience and values. When you're partnered, both people have to consider the other's point of view. It's part of respecting each other as individuals and it's a way to stay connected and learn about each other by entering into each other's worlds. This is crucial for a balanced partnership.  

But what if you're doing it while your partner is not?

Side note: Before we dive into this, I just want to say that even the idea of imbalance can wreak havoc in relationships because it opens the door to resentment and judgement. We can start to develop what's called confirmation bias. What's confirmation bias? It's when we only see information that confirms a bias we already have. Like when you think your boyfriend is a jerk and so every little thing he does just proves it. And of course anything he does that's normal or nice gets filtered out through the "he's a jerk" mindset. That's confirmation bias in relationships. So before you jump to conclusions, it can be helpful to think hard about what's actually happening and see it from a few different perspectives just to be sure. Maybe your anger and resentment are rooted in something else and your relationship is just the easy target to pin it on. It's always worth considering.

Okay, having said that, let's get back to the question: What if you're the only one compromising or you're compromising so much more than your partner that you're losing yourself in your relationship? And by losing yourself, I mean, saying yes to a whole bunch of things you wouldn't normally do and saying no to a whole bunch of things you normally would do and that you enjoy and care deeply about. I call this sacrificing yourself on the altar of your relationship.

How do you know if this is happening? You may have sacrificed yourself on the altar of your relationship if you're:

• Feeling isolated because you no longer see your friends and family, only those of your partner.
• Spending your free time doing only what your partner wants to do.
• ​Accepting blame for things that aren't your fault because it's easier than trying to justify yourself.
• Avoiding speaking your mind because you don't feel your ideas, opinions or requests will be respected or you fear an overwhelming reaction. 
• Afraid of talking about things going on in your life because you know you'll be criticized or it will be used against you in the future.
• Choosing "safe" courses of action that will avoid conflict.
• Pretty sure this isn't right for you but you don't want to hurt the other person so you trudge along.

These are just some of the things people experience when they give too much. What's funny, is I don't often hear these clients say they feel resentful - that doesn't come until later. And they're usually not thinking in a tit-for-tat or "score-keeping" way about who has done more of what. Mostly they feel sad or just confused about why things don't feel right. They know they're 'doing the right thing' by compromising for the sake of their relationship so they can't figure out why it isn't working. But there's such a thing as too much compromise. And if you're doing it, it's actually not helping your relationship.

As Janet Lansbury said, "Boundaries are the highest form of love." She was talking about parenting (if you don't know her work and you're parenting babies or toddlers, you should look her up) but this applies to all relationships. Setting boundaries is a way of saying, "This is who I am. I'm not going to lie about who I am with you because relationships need to be based on honesty." We should all be able to establish our boundaries, the areas of ourselves and our lives that we will protect and keep nourished so that we can be happy and healthy as individuals and in relationship. And we should feel safe knowing that if something is important to us, it's important to our partner.

If you're with someone who is willing to trash your boundaries, then that person is not for you.

Your partner should respect and love your boundaries. Your partner should love that sometimes you need to have dinner with just your girlfriends, and that you need time to sew, and that your family matters to you, and that you don't like okra or too much time sitting in the sun and that sometimes you need to stay home and clean up and sometimes you need to honor your commitments at work. Your partner should also know whether you are someone who likes to talk things through or think things through, and how comfortable you are in different kinds of social situations. And you should know the same things about them. You don't make your lives revolve around these things for each other, you just know and respect them and accommodate as best as possible...without sacrificing yourself. You and your partner should know each other well - it's part of feeling loved, cared for and known.

What about when two people's boundaries clash? Say, your need for time at home conflicts with your partner's need to socialize. Then you work out a compromise with full awareness that it's rooted in love on both sides. You both need to feel respected. And you both need to feel the trust that comes with knowing the other has your best interests at heart, as well as their own.

If compromising doesn't feel like that, it's not the right kind of compromising. That's sacrificing yourself on the altar of your relationship and it's not going to work in the long run. In the long run, you're going to feel resentful and angry. If you think you're on this path, take a moment to consider what sort of boundaries you need to set up for yourself. And then consider what you'll do to enforce them. The reaction you get from your partner will be good information for you to have. Maybe they just didn't know what you needed because you haven't expressed it before and they're actually happy to help you. Or maybe you'll find you're not a good fit. Either way, you're on the path away from sacrifice toward nurturing and growth whether individually or as a couple. That's a better path.

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